Life is vulnerable.

Dear unknown friend, 

Shame is the worst of all poisons I know.  

Sometimes childhood memories come up and I feel like I was burned with a red iron and the pain remained...I was just a small boy and I didn't know how to defend myself. I won't go into details. Being overwhelmed and at times paralyzed by fear, whilst knowing that you are male and that you should fight - even to be defeated, but fight... made me feel ashamed for life. 
I was an orphan of mother, the son of a father who seemed to have been burnt in a similar way. Not the kind of father who would have supported, encouraged, taught me how to fight. He was, like I am, an hyper sensitive being, the kind you would protect, even when you are a child, by not confronting him, by leaving him alone... 

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 I remember the fear in his eyes. Not always but often. I remember the day my two year old sister fell into a river. I remember him, hesitating, taking off his jacket, not knowing what to do with it, before another man dived into the shallow and cold water, retrieved the floating girl and ended up wrapped up in blankets, the hero of the day. I felt ashamed as well. I was 7 year old. I didn't venture into the river either. I just sent my cousin for the adults and watched. 


 I remember another day when my father did intervene. My sister was standing on the trunk of the tree, bees or wasps were surrounding her, and she was just frozen. I shouted: Run! Run! ... and the one who ran, dispersed the wasps with great windmill style gestures and got his daughter away from the nest was him. My father somehow redeemed himself on that day...

 I felt so panicked inside when these boys talked to me with a maliciousness I didn't understand. I remember I saved as much dignity as I could. I didn't burst into tears, I didn't fell on my knees, I answered back with a few words... I don't remember what. But I didn't fight. I could hardly move. I could only stay frozen with these horrible feelings running through me. They didn't beat me. They were playing with my fear. That was the worst they could do. They made me feel ashamed for life. 

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 I was just a fragile and sensitive kid who did not know how to handle his fears. I remember being scared by a little dog, a very little dog. Somehow I believed that many beings could attack me and tear me into pieces. I remember my stepmother mocking me, again and again, and my father saying nothing, doing nothing, whilst I was just trying to escape the small dog. These kinds of moments burned me.  

 But life, my friend, is just life. What burns is that I still believe that I should have been strong, courageous, prepared to face any outcome, even if it was being bitten, broken, disfigured, dismantled, and fight like a worthy little male warrior. I was just an emotional, sensitive and vulnerable kid; I am still an emotional, sensitive and vulnerable being; life makes some beings this way, and when I'm able to be humble and kind enough with myself, with my father and with all vulnerable males life makes, I'll be healed. We also have qualities, and even courage at times. 

 The greatest the fear, the greatest courage is needed to master it. What we feel can't be measured only by what's going on in the outside world. What we feel is also created by the universe inside... Hypersensitive people have a nervous system that's different from the average neurotypical nervous system...This is not an excuse, this is a reality...

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We don't have to know our lessons before learning them. We don't have to be strong warriors without support and training. We don't have to be heroic from dawn to dusk, from birth to death, without even flinching. Even if I was a coward in an hypothetical past life, even if I fled in terror in front of enemies, leaving wife and children behind, even if I really was what the shame of psychological traumas tells me I was, even if I was the last one to attack the wholly mammoth when I was a hunter amongst hunters in prehistoric times, all I can do now is learn, step by step, how to be a little bit better and ask the Great Spirit for help, because without the Great Spirit's help, we all fall at the bottom of the swamp if this is what we need to learn...

 Life is vulnerable. That's just the way it is...